Everyone seems to sell diet plans after Christmas so here is mine. This is based on something I wrote as a leaving gift to my colleague and friend Jane ten years ago. The stress levels have not changed in a decade it seems!
Disclaimer: There are expletives and sexual references in this. Jane has a somewhat robust sense of humour so the content was tailored with her in mind. Views do not necessarily reflect those of the author…..however, I have personally experienced many of the management techniques listed…
(But I’ll be really bloody hurt if you can’t work out who wrote it)
For Jane. Friend, Black Belt in Wai-ki Wai-ki, the ancient art of the early morning phone call.
The Stress-Plan Diet
Work in Partnership with your bosses to lose those excess pounds! The Author lost a third of his body weight in a year following this diet! Slimness or death guaranteed!
As with all diet plans, there are risks;
- You will lose inches from ALL of your body. Including the bits that you could have done with being bigger. Still, as you are going to be too drunk or tired to use them, your career in the porn industry was buggered anyway wasn’t it? (No pun intended).
- You could die. This would be very inconsiderate to your employers – where is your loyalty?
- Vitamin deficiency. This is a marketing ploy perpetrated by an evil international conspiracy headed by Messrs Holland and Barrett (a.k.a Blofeld & Goldfinger). Forget it and have a drink.
- Spots & other skin complaints, hair loss etc. So what? Even if you could get laid you would be unable to perform, see point one above. So why worry?
Introducing the PI index:
The Pissup-Index (PI) relates to the core theory behind the Stress-Plan diet. By replacing food with alcohol as your primary calorie source, together with maximising your nervous exhaustion, you can achieve that coveted size 0 look in no time at all. Sources of calories are rated according to:
The PI Scale:
- 5, This is the stuff – almost pure intoxication guaranteed, with no naughty vitamins and minerals to take the edge off.
- 4, Some nutrition has sneaked into this one – take that cherry or slice of lemon out and bin it. Phew – that was close.
- 3, A good compromise if your partner nags you into partaking of (dare I say it) a ‘healthy’ diet. But it still has some intoxicant value. Food cooked in a wine or beer sauce would be a good example so long as you don’t drive off all the alcohol.
- 2, Must try harder. This stuff is packed with unwelcome nutrients.
- 1, You must be kidding me, not only no booze but where are Terry Pratchett’s four main food groups: Sugar, grease, starch and burnt crunchy bits? If rabbit food is what you eat then push off and take up yoga and pass this book on to someone willing to try for crying out loud. Sodding amateurs, honestly.
The Stress-Plan diet is a careful combination of substances of PI scale 4 and 5, together with maximum psychological distress.
Stress: How to get some.
Major life changing events are great for this but the effects are often short lived. Still – here is my guide to such events and how to manage them.
- Loss of a loved one. This happens to everyone sooner or later but if impatient you can obtain a list of useful hints and contacts from:
Mick The Slasher
Total Psycho Nutjob Wing
- Divorce: Get caught shagging someone else. Preferably on more than one occasion. Effective, and fun too, but don’t overdo it – you are supposed to be getting stressed remember?
- Move house: Pick a house next to a pub in a crime-ridden estate on a flood plain.
- Redundancy: Counterproductive. Threat of redundancy is great but the actual event tends to be a let down for stress creation. Free time = contentment = stable weight.
- Natural Disaster: This is hard for an individual to organise; placing strategic nuclear devices in the San Andreas fault or sitting atop Vesuvius with a big corkscrew may be regarded as antisocial. The effects (maelstrom of chaos, people you love dropping like flies etc) are fortunately easy to duplicate by working for the UK public sector.
Indeed – my tip for sustained stress is to involve your employer. It is difficult to achieve the necessary steady low-grade anxiety without their help. A good employer will ask what they can do to help, here are my suggestions:
- Get them to give you a project which is vital to the future of you and your colleagues then, this is the clever bit, once you have accepted they should remove all support resources or make you fight really hard for them.
- Have them affect an air of utter incompetence in order to make you feel that the whole organisation will fall apart unless you do their job for them. Make sure they take the credit for it though.
- They will already know this lesson from ‘Management 101’: They should propose an unworkable idea and make you swallow it by hinting that your co-operation could avert something even worse.
- Lack of communication causes stress. Work for an uncommunicative git or tell your boss to shut their mouth. If they object, show them this booklet and say ‘Look –it says here that if you are nice and open with me then I won’t be stressed enough for the diet to work, then my arteries will fur up and I will die and it will all be your fault so shut up and push off, fuckwit’.
- Join your trade union, preferably on the branch committee and enjoy the experience of being walked over by management to the full.
- Sports & Social activities with colleagues are a two edged sword. If you find that bitching about work eases your stress levels then back off. If you find it just makes your blood boil more then go for it!
- Suggest management could drop hints for several years about possibly relocating you, with no firm decision about where or when – this will enable you to put your social support mechanisms on hold, thus intensifying an already stressful situation.
- They could move your stuff before the building is completed and make you work out of boxes for months AND still expect you to smile and wear a tie when the decision makers from HQ visit to inspect their new white elephant.
- Once you and your family have demonstrated your loyalty by following your employer to a new town and taking on a bigger mortgage, suggest to the boss that it is time for a redundancy round.
- Urge them not to make any snap decisions regarding redundancy – letting people worry for a year is an effective motivator as they each try to look more efficient than the rest. But then management already know that – why did you think they do it?
The exercise plan:
Horrible though it may be, there is no doubt that exercise is a vital part of any diet. From experience, the majority of exercise in a stressful working environment falls within the following categories:
- Wandering up and down corridors with bits of paper.
- Signing your name countless millions of times
- Holding the telephone
- Holding your head in your hands or banging it on a brick wall
- Trembling either in fear or due to excessive consumption of caffeine
- Jumping – particularly off roof or out of windows
- Last but not least – lifting glasses (or bottles in the later stages of the diet)
To follow up on the last item above. Drinking alcoholic beverages is often regarded as being inadvisable during a weight loss program due to their high calorific content. These are supposed to be ‘empty’ calories, theoretically because the drinks do not contain extraneous rubbish like protein etc. They do contain liberal amounts of guaranteed fun and/or oblivion, so how can that be called ‘empty’? Do you get high off protein? No – I rest my case. The calories are a real issue though, but I suggest …… a cunning plan …………
……to overcome this by taking simultaneous exercise with the calories!
By my calculations, one pint of beer (PI index 5) weighs about 0.5kg and the distance from mouth to table is about 0.5m. Lifting pint to mouth therefore uses about 0.25joules of energy given that 1joule is the energy needed to lift 1kg up 1m. A pint of beer contains approximately 800,000 joules. Therefore you would need to lift your glass 3.6 million times to offset the energy gained from the drink. However – the glass will not stay full so on average you would only lift half the weight, this equates to 7.2 million sips of beer. 500ml divided by 7,200,000 = 0.07ml.
To conclude – drink your pint of beer in 7.2 million sips of 0.07ml (take care to return your glass to the table between sips) and you will gain NO weight from drinking the beer! And all that exercise too! You might want to try switching hands occasionally to avoid PRULD (Pub Related Upper Limb Disorder).
No diet book is complete without some tried and tested recipes. Here are some of my favourites:
Recipe 1. The CEO’s Management Stew.
Take five random ingredients.
- Ask the ingredients to form a Working Group in order to decide what to make with themselves. It saves you from thinking, and from getting the blame for it.
- Wait some more.
- Listen to Working Group final report without acting.
- Send out report for Peer Review.
- Discard most of two of the ingredients but retain a little of each for seasoning.
- Create whole new ingredient from thin air and chuck lots of money at it.
- Throw out ingredients as they have now passed their use-by date and you still do not have a workable recipe.
This recipe is great for weight loss as it takes a year to cook, meanwhile you have died of starvation and mostly decomposed.
PI index: Maximum weight loss but low on fun or alcohol therefore only a 3 on the PI scale.
Recipe 2. G & T.
Take one bottle Gin, one bottle Tonic water, one glass, one slice of lime (Warning – contains vitamins).
Early stage of diet:
- Mix Gin and tonic in glass to taste, add lime. (PI Index 3)
Mid stage of diet:
- Omit lime. (PI Index 4)
Late stage of diet:
- Omit Tonic. (PI Index 5)
Terminal stage of diet:
- Omit Glass & drink from bottle. (PI Index 5+)
Recipe 3 Stress-Plan Coffee
This is the answer to the big question raised by the diet so far; ‘My employers disapprove of drinking alcohol at work, so what do I do for those unfortunate 40hours per week?’
Firstly – your employers are supposed to be helping you with this diet aren’t they? Insist on a mini-bar in your office and tell them to get with the program.
If this doesn’t work then coffee is a good backup.
Step by step recipe for coffee (PI index 3)
- Take ground or powdered coffee.
- Add boiling water and stir with stainless steel spoon.
- Leave spoon upright in coffee – if it takes less than ten seconds to fall against the side of the mug the coffee is too weak.
- Add more coffee powder until an adequately thick consistency is achieved.
- Leave spoon in place for two minutes.
- Remove and examine spoon. If it is slightly corroded the coffee is ready to serve.
- Serve – you may need to slice it with a knife first.
Decaffeinated coffee is for wusses. Never mind biological and chemical weapons establishments. Nuke the decaffeination plants. (While we are on the subject – the person who invented de-alcoholised drinks should be disembowelled with a Kaliber ring-pull.) Can’t the army tackle the real bad guys for once?
About the Author.
Anon is a (now) skinny, middle aged bloke who lives near Lancaster UK. He divides his time between work, the John O’Gaunt, the Sun and the Yorkshire House. Hobbies include playing bad guitar and talking to bread. He is married to a lovely, long suffering, lady who still can’t figure him out after 30+ years. She is not alone as nobody else can figure him out either. He has no children and would appreciate it if nobody sent him any, thanks.