*Lyrics by Kurt Cobain, Nirvana; ‘Frances Farmer Will Have Her Revenge on Seattle’, 1993.
And another from Nicolle.
Do I miss the comfort in being sad?
Let me explain.
The late, wonderful, Terry Pratchett created a character called Sam Vimes. A quiet, caring, strong cop with a firm sense of right and wrong. My kind of hero really.
Vimes is described as permanently one drink short of being happy. This kind of describes me until quite recently.
I’ve bobbed along being just-about-ok for decades. Some good times but far outweighed by long, dark, horrible periods of feeling isolated, anxious and depressed.
The last few months have been a real revelation to me. Citalopram helped me get on the right track but my wonderful new family (for that is how I see you) in the blogging community have meant that my mood has absolutely soared.
Margaret Curry described this feeling perfectly in her (rather wonderful) blog:
This is great, yes?
Of course it is – and I love you folks for helping. I can’t overstate that.
Still – I am anxious. This is very new and at 51 feels very unsettling. The way I was might have been horrible but it was familiar and I had the ‘benefit’ of being invisible. When I was so far down anyway and something went wrong it was somehow easier as there seemed not so far to fall, and there was little I really cared about any longer so had little to lose.
Perhaps I should list my worries:
- I worry that this is very temporary and that something is going to happen that makes me crash – and I have got a long way to fall now…
- I am being much more friendly and sociable and I worry about inadvertently crossing a line by being too friendly, or with the wrong people. I don’t have much practice at reading social clues. This is a potentially dangerous combination.
- I feel like people expect the old me. This includes my wife. I am reluctant to express my new joy or enthusiasm with people who knew the old me for fear of alarming them or them thinking I am cracking up – when in reality I feel I am actually being ME for the first time.
- Are the people in my life from before going to still be people I have anything in common with? The reawakening of my mind, my heart and my curiosity recently is profound and dizzying.
So – do you understand where I am coming from with this? Any useful advice or feedback? I need your help and support if I am to maintain this and continue growing.
I never want to go back in my box.
“Lithium, I want to stay in love with my sorrow
Oh, but, God, I want to let it go”
Lyrics by Amy Lee, Evanescence; ‘Lithium’, 2006